For those of you who like anime and good indie music

So... since we last left me...

Finished school, moved back home, working for a year, thinking about applying to about a million different programs, brutal at saving money, softball league, almost got arrested, fell off a deck, sushi addict, probably a full-blown alcoholic; and not in the funny 'student spending money on beer not food' way, gym membership, 152 pounds, expanded wardrobe, Arctic Monkeys at Kool Haus, Leafs game, disappointing birthday, total break-up (thank God), couple of break-downs, best friend(s), Devendra Banhart at Queen Elizabeth, Devendra Banhart at his tour bus, shook hands, Love Above All, Dark Was The Night, and getting lost.

Probably some other stuff in there, but those are the high(low)lights.

Just so you can all say "Man. That guy is totally still alive"

So good

Change is a funny thing, don't you think?

Some people never change, or at least, they claim not to. I'd like to be like them. Every day I'm growing or shedding or switching or aging. It's awful. I think I can feel it sometimes. Like feeling the Earth spin; you can hear the gears if you listen hard enough.

Or maybe that's just in my head. Literally.

Objectivity is a funny thing, too.

Sometimes I get all worked up about something. Something I can't control. Like change. It's not good for yourself. It's like smoking cigarettes, I imagine. You always want to quit, but you can't bring yourself to do it. There's something necessary about feeling, even if it's "shitty". It still -is-, which is better than nothing. Or is it? I'm just rambling.

But change and objectivity seem to have this weird cosmic interplay I wasn't aware of.

I figure 'change' is the only thing that makes people upset; shifts to-and-from the status quo.

The only time that 'feeling' stops is when you objectively accept something, even if that 'something' is just intangible, or the very act of 'change' itself.

I'm not sure if I'm very good at dealing with that. I still get too worked up when change happens. Even little things. The way people act. Changes in that can be really destabilizing, I found out. Especially people you really cared about. Those can be the worst of all.

But I think I'll manage.

I just have to change.

And be objective.

Hmm, busy weekend. I'm back home now, and only half-tired, so I'm hoping this'll kind of push me over the edge of sleepiness. We'll have to see.

Soo, had big plans this weekend, at least for me. Gathered up some friends of mind from around here and trucked it to Toronto on Sunday morning to catch the Jays game, stay there for the night, and hit Wonderland on the next. I sort of forgot how exhausting 'travel' can be, and inevitably is, physically and emotionally. I don't know if it's a 'bad' thing yet, but it's just... weird. It seems you can still do 'nothing', but if you do it a hundred miles away, you're still doing 'something'. And it can still be tiring.

Anyway, we got down to Toronto Sunday morning without incident. However, we had wound up having some problems getting tickets, with my one friend only ordering four, when we needed five, and then having to buy an entire set of new tickets just to stay in one row (they were playing Boston, Halladay pitched. It was sick). Either way, after all that stress of fixing the ticket thing (we bought new tickets figuring we could scalp the others) the fifth person decides to text me an hour before the game informing me they're not coming. Soo, we wound up with 6 extra tickets we couldn't sell, as Scalpers only seem to want to deal with box-office tickets, and not ones you print at home. The person who didn't show was my guest, so that got stuck onto my bill. Not cool, potentially weekend-threatening, but read on.

So, after that, I'm in a pretty cranky mood which had lasted the duration of the game, despite it being a sick game. It's shitty, at least for me, that one little thing like that can ruin an otherwise lovely afternoon. Luckily my friends were good at patronizingly cheering me up, and that helped, really. We found our way over to the Courtyard Marriott on Young, which turned out to be a really nice place. Pool, Hot tub, gym, really nice room, all for about 120? I couldn't complain. Also, being on Young proper, it was surrounded by really nice ethnic-y food places, which meant I got to try out Korean BBQ for the first time. Pretty cool stuff, if you haven't had the chance yet. Big open-flame cooktop at each table, and they just cart out this all-you-can-eat platter of meats and veggies and sauces and stuff that you just cook up yourself right infront of you. Really slick. Even better for 12 bucks.

It's sort of neat that I can still learn things about myself at this age. I can get put into a bad mood really quickly, despite myself and surroundings. I can reverse this quickly through really good food, or at least interesting food. I don't know if it's just the distraction of trying something new or eating something tasty, but it really helped. I wonder if I'll eventually turn into one of those 'eats their problems' people, but I figure I'm not a fatty just yet, so I've got some time.

Anyway, wound up just wandering Toronto for the night and hitting up all the cute little stores therein. I don't think I could ever live in Toronto. Or at least, downtown. It's got so much that I love, but in an environment that I hate. Sirens all the time, so many people, so much haste... I dunno, I'd like to maybe go to school there one year, and have the ability to leave when I wanted. I like going there for the day, and that's it. Right now, at least.

Wound up at Frans at like 2 for more beer and apple pie. Man, was that good pie.

Next day, woke up, more Frans (outrageously good) breakfast, and went to Wonderland. Not being a 'ride warrior' type (read: I hate that crap), I figured I'd either wind up in the waterpark all day, or just being a Debbie Downer about the whole thing. Firstly, though, I thought I'd give the coasters a try, and see where it took me. Much to my own surprise, actually, I wound up having a seriously good time. Admitting to myself that that fucking 'Behemoth' or whatever it's called, was -entirely- out of my league, we all wound up spending 9 hours there, just riding everything else, and generally having an awesome day. I don't really remember the names, but the one that used to be the 'Italian Job' ride was intense, and the Bat, and Vortex, annnd.... there was one other... All very good. 'Riptide' was shitty. Just fyi. That thing sucks.

Left right at 10, wound up hitting two different Pizza Pizza locations to exploit that 10 ticket bullshit we got caught with and getting 10 slices of pizza 'cuz Halladay is unhittable, and a champ. I love that promotion. It's served me well.

Anyway, back home now, all raggedy and tired. I wound up buying some outrageously hot shirts from Winners (Buffalo and DKNY for dirt cheap? Yes. Yes indeed) so I'm all eager to try them out. Maybe pictures? Naww. I hate that shit. Just imagine one of those weird avant-garde-esq models and put my face on him. It's close. Seriously... It's nuts.

Josh.

PS: If anyone see's Bright Eyes' "I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning" cd. Buy it. Mail it to me. Dooo ittt

And the world’s got me dizzy again
You think after 22 years I’d be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I’m always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I’m balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase:

If you love something, give it away

Hmm... It's been a while since I've said anything on here. Maybe because I'd been having a decent go of things for the past little while, before now-ish. Maybe my brainspace was still only like 3/4's full until now. Either way, this feels like as good a time as any to flush a few things out.

I haven't been sleeping well since I've got home. It's like... maybe 4 of the 7 days of the week, I'll get to bed, and then just lie there, awake, thinking about everything and nothing. I hadn't made anything of it the first little while, assuming I was just acclimatizing to being home again or something, but it's bothering me now. It's getting to the point where sleep is just annoying and generally not restful. I have some theories on this.

Considering I've yet to hear back from the bulk of the Law Schools I applied to, I've jumped to the conclusion I didn't get in. That's not a problem, I'm still not sure if I even wanted to go in the first place. What seems to be the issue is how that's leading to this omnipresent feeling of being trapped. It's like I'm claustrophobic in an open space or something. If I start thinking about the fall or the next year, I get all tight in the chest and start worrying about the rest of my life en masse. It's not helpful, and not really 'me', either, which makes it all the more problematic.

I still have -no- idea what I'd like to do with the rest of my life. I don't like anything enough to commit myself to. I figured at 21 I'd have a -rough- idea of where I'd like to see myself in ten years. Currently, "alive" tops that list, and then a variety of substances and situations intertwine themselves with it. Aside from that, I'm pretty easy going for the next rest-of-my-life.

For the first time in my life, I find myself desperately wanting to travel. To just get up and go somewhere entirely away from this place, and the people I'm around. Come to think of it, I think maybe University was just that; some kind of vacation from myself, or my life. I've had a couple different invites to go out West in Canada with various people (furries are always so accommodating. It's cute) and I find myself more and more willing to just pick up and leave. I never used to be like that. A month ago I wasn't like that. I thought graduating was supposed to alleviate this junk. Shouldn't it have settled me down? Encouraged me to pick a place and work towards that?

I think it backfired. I'm all wanderlusty and dissatisfied. I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know if I can fix it.

To digress slightly: Hanging out with a bunch of straight guys nearly consistently as your exclusive friend base can be one of the greatest exercises in futility I can think of. Most of my good girl- or gay- friends are back in Hamilton or other places in Ontario, and I'm left with my core of good, straight, male friends. It's nice for routine and just for like 'hanging out', but aside from that, it can be incredibly... frustrating, I guess? I don't even know how to describe things with them. They're all lovely friends, but their straight-wolf-pack sort of mentality leaves me out of alot of their plans, even if I'm being strictly intangible. If they want to go to the bar, they're going to meet girls. If they want to hang out somewhere, they'll talk about girls. They date girls, they live and breathe them. It's something I've never noticed before, really, that is to say, how alienated I feel from them just because of the whole gay-straight thing. I try my best to pretend its not a distinction in the least, but it just seems to work its way in there once in a while. It's disheartening to see how quickly a guy friend will leave you once a girl comes along.

I'd put all the blame on chicks, but it's not like I'm that mad at them. I think these guys I know -need- girls in their lives to balance them out... but they're just so terrible at trying to balance friendships and relationships that one inevitably gets ignored for the other. Worse still, I can't be the bad guy and say anything.

In fact, I can't really say much of anything substantial around these guys. They're very much geared towards superficial conversation; they fear anything deeper or more emotional. I don't know if that's how their are in their personal lives, but I don't think I could live that way. I enjoy conversation that can break away from recollecting past conversations or Street Fighter 4 (not that I'm knocking that game, it's epic), but it's just... I don't know, redundant, if you play it both physically and linguistically.

However, it's getting late. I might try and add to this tomorrow, but I doubt it. Usually I wake up with an entirely different perspective on things, and it takes a couple of hours to readjust. Maybe it's just harder to see the walls first thing in the morning.

Sorry if you read this whole thing; it didn't really go anywhere near the end there, yeh?

I've been thinking about this thing. It's such an odd little concept, don't you think? It's an oxymoron, really, if you think about it. 'Live' implying vibrant, public openness, and 'journal', all tucked away in privacy and retrospect. I don't know why they thought to put the two together, or why in the world it caught on... and yet here I am, reading about people's thoughts and lives; people I've never met, and probably never will.

It's almost like a reality television show, dontchathink?

There seems to be this neat little fascination with making private things public all of a sudden. As soon as people have secrets, another group of people want to see them, or read about them, or listen to them. Worse still, there's another group of people who just give it away for free, putting details of their personal and private lives on a place like the internet. Catharsis? I dunno, really. I'm trying to understand it too. But then again, I don't really watch a ton of 'reality TV', or at least the shows that follow around celebrities in their everyday minutia.

But even then, they're -celebrities-. Their lives are fantastic even in their most mundane.

But you and I, on the other hand, aren't fabulous in the least. We're just people. People aren't very fabulous. They just sort of 'are', and that's cool, but it's nothing to write home about. Literally.

Yet there I go, writing whole paragraphs and then editing myself because I didn't like how it sounded or came across. Who am I trying to impress? I'm not saying anything that needs editing or afterthought. I'm just talking off the top of the head here, making up for a lack of words in the rest of my body.

Maybe when we're left alone with our brains, we just need to empty them out once in a while, to make sure they don't get too full, and we wind up forgetting the more important things in our lives. I think I've done that sometimes. If that's the case, I can totally understand this thing. I think I've had too much going on in there, the last couple of days. I'm surprised when I learn new things, I don't forget very basic things. I sort of want to read a book one day and then forget how to brush my teeth. I think that would explain a ton about humanity, in general, and perspectives, in specific.

I can never understand people getting stressed out. I get "stressed" in a weird way if I'm physically late for something, or under a deadline. That, to me, is something to get "stressed" about, and I'm loosely quoting it to ensure you understand 'stress' to be a relative term. I've had enough reason to think about people and stress in the last little while, and I'm still wondering what possible benefit it could have to the body. I understand that, when stressed, I get more productive, so I don't mind getting stressed in an academic-workload situation, that to me makes sense. But like... in a relationship? In a conversation? In a casual setting? I just don't get it. I think it has something to do with the whole full-brain thing, and perspectives.

I think once people get their heads all full, they hard-wire some things in there to make them easier to remember, and to not take up their space just kicking around in there. Then other people come along with different perspectives and understandings of similar issues, just as firmly hardwired. Then they wind up trying to rationalize very different things to one another in a ham-fisted attempt at communication. Then they get stressed. Then they fight.

Then these people wind up running the world.

I think that might be why I like how B-rock Obama answers questions. He doesn't have quick answers. He kinda thinks about everything he's gonna say. I like to think to myself that he doesn't have a hardwired brain, and he can just take situations and people and ideas and judge them on their merits. He comes across so thoughtful and understanding. I'd like to be more like that.

I've got work to do.

I think I'm hardwired in my own ways, and maybe I just keep 'stress' under the surface, and pretend it doesn't exist. Maybe that's how I cope. Maybe I cope better... or much worse. I guess it's like 'Serenity Now': I won't know until I smash a bunch of computers.

Regardless, I've rambled. And kind of answered my earlier questions about this place. It's a good brain dump. I might wind up making a routine of this. My head feels lighter.

I laugh every time he says 'hobo'

They take everything about a movie and condense it into a minute or so.

A whole gambit of feelings and lessons and meanings, set to music.

Presented in the most attractive way they could muster.

Why isn't everything else like that?

It would save a lot of effort.

And best of all

It's always

quick.

Leaving to write the LSAT's in a half-hour.

I've discovered my favorite breffast is toast and tea. I'm having it now, and it makes me feel good, so that's something new I've learned about myself today.

Also, I think everyone should check this out:

http://www.rockabyebabymusic.com/web/page.asp?pgs=products

Kinda hip, eh? I have the Radiohead one, and it's... just as advertised, really. Very pretty.

hope everyone's doin' good.
This Kid.

It's absolutely amazing what a couple friends, not too-too much alcohol, a dark room lit by a wicked smelling candle, and good music can do to to your overall mood.

Sigur Ros convinces me that there is still good things in the world.

It's been a nice night.

edit: Also, peanut M&M's help.

'Cuz when it's summer in the city
And you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you
Baby
Sometimes

You should watch it.





Man, was it ever good.

Hi.

I enjoyed the Dark Knight a lot. Most of the praise its been given is well justified, despite it being about 45 minutes too long and involving that whole 'Cell Phone Sonar' thing, which was pretty stupid. You should've said something when they made you wear the bat-helmet with the light-up eyes... but I suppose you're not really mired in the 'creative process'.

Anyway, I'm off topic.

My real reason for writing this was to ask you if you could do me a solid:

Please, when you're actually "Batman" and not "Bruce Wayne", can you not talk like a retard?

I mean, I understand that Batman has to mask his voice or whatever, but... honestly? You sound embarassing. It's like the voice a 14 year old would slap on if someone said "talk like a tough guy". It doesn't do you any favours.

Furthermore, when you do talk, can you just keep your mouth closed inbetween? Like... you know, a normal person? There was a good long time at the end of the movie when you were in your retard voice and you just left your mouth open and your lower jaw stuck out.

It was pretty distracting.

Aside from that, though, it was pretty good.

Love Josh.

PS: Heath made you look like a hack.

Deal with her.

Haven't been posting in forever, been kinda busy. Anyway, I'm doing well enough over here. Playing baseball in Orillia (Tuesday and Friday nights... I know you want to come watch) and otherwise working... It's a fairly typical Northern Summer.

And speaking of typical northern things, I made Cedar Planked Salmon over the long weekend, and it was probably the best thing I've ever eaten. This is what I did.

Requires a good piece of Salmon, the marinade below, and a cedar plank, which you can find near the seafood dept in most good grocery stores. The Salmon should be enough to fit the length of the plank, or really how much you think you can eat. 1/2-3/4's a pound, per person.

Marinade:
Good quality maple syrup, enough to coat
2 Whole Chipotle Peppers; finely diced
1 Garlic clove; diced
A big grab of fresh Parsley; chopped
A good pinch of salt.

Slam the marinade over the salmon and leave in the fridge for as long as you can. At the same time, you need to soak the cedar plank in some water for at least four hours before hand. When the plank is good and soaked, you need to lay it on a hot barbeque and let it smoke up. When it's all smokey and crackly, you whip the lid open, lay the salmon on the plank, and leave it. 20 or so minutes should do it, but it depends on the size of the salmon.

Anyway, when it's done, it's outrageous. I served it with some Lemon Basmati rice I made (Basmati Rice, lemon zest, juice, tumeric) and some steamed broccoli. You should all make it for yourselves. It's wicked.

Hope you're all well.
~Josh

Man, I like food.

For those of my more musically inclined journal watchers...

http://www.mariposafolk.com/signpost.php?dest=festival

Sarah Harmer is the Sunday night headliner, with Hayden and Joel Plasket being there too... Loudon Wainwright III is coming, and... well, the whole list of performers is there. It's a three day thing. July 4-6.

You should all come. It's going to be good.

Because Everyone Else Is Doing It

Neuroticism	4
Extraversion	41
Openness to Experience	30
Agreeableness	55
Conscientiousness	79

You are a calm person who is considered almost fearless by some, however you do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find yourself tempted to overindulge. You get overwhelmed by too much noise and commotion and do not like thrill-seeking activities. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important, however you are mostly a compassionate person, however you prefer to make objective judgments when possible. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans.

Not really accurate, but close

4/20 and whatever, right? Figured I'd buy into it this year and try something new and exciting. Got a big ol' bag of mushrooms and pounded through it with a friend of mine. Started at about 9:00 Saturday evening, got to bed at about 5:00 this (Sunday) morning. When I was in the midst of it, I thought to myself "I'm going to write this all down" because when I was reading about that, nobody seemed to want to account their specific reactions and interpretations. I think it makes potential users slightly more apprehensive when approaching the stuff, and the last thing people need on this kinda stuff is apprehension. Anyway, this is my little guide/play by play of that night, with the best details I can remember. I'll try to cover main things I think people should know to expect, and cool stuff to have around, and maybe things to avoid. Anyway...


Mhmm... yeah, that's about it. It was seriously a trip. I would recommend it to everyone, to be totally honest. Emotions en masse were heightened and changed... the colours and designs... I wish I had any form of artistic talent to be able to capture some essence of what I saw. Very, very hip.

That said, you can switch from being totally fantastic to totally freaked out in all of two seconds. You really have to approach it without apprehension, and without trying to control what you're seeing/experiencing. Just take everything at face value, and for what it is, and you don't get caught up in how weird and awful some things can appear.

Seriously, though... everyone should experience this, at least once, for good or for bad. It was a serious trip.